4.21.2012

Anxiety: The Future and Change

I don't know what is with me but I am feeling so overwhelmed and getting anxiety attacks just thinking about following my dreams. I've always been determined and so focused on my goals. When you finally achieve your goal that you've been wanting for so long and working so hard for, and all the warm fuzzies go away, you remember that you have to start thinking rationally now. A lot of things will be changing and sacrifices will be made, and you have to see what you realistically will go through just to achieve your goal.

Things I am thinking about that are overwhelming me...

Tuition/Loans
I already filled out FAFSA and can get $20k a year, looking into the Grad PLUS loan for $45k a year just to cover tuition. I'm also looking into the GI Bill since my dad is a retired Navy vet who has been permanently injured while on Active Duty. This would be really helpful since I could get $10k a year on tuition, $22k a year for living expenses, and $1,000 for book stipend each year. I read through all of the policies and it said as long as you are a dependent you should be eligible. The school gave me the specifics yesterday so that's how I got the numbers. I'm pretty confused because I used the Cal Vet Dependents' Tuition Assistance for my undergrad tuition, and it covered almost everything, however that one is only for the CA school system (UCs, State schools, and community colleges).

Not Having an Income
This one is really making me nervous. I finally felt like I was comfortable with my salary, budgeting, and saving habits. I was feeling good about my routine and inching towards various savings goals. It's going to be really tough for me to live off of school loans and accepting money from my parents again. The BF said that he would add me to his checking account so that I can use his card whenever I need to, but I don't want to do that. I've always been independent and had a way to support myself.

Being Away from the BF
BF is my support system and my rock. I'm getting nervous thinking about how we will be apart. He motivated me so much during undergrad and even during studying for the LSAT, it will be difficult to imagine doing this without him around. I know a lot of couples that have done this before, and they say it makes you stronger, so I'm really counting on that. Our communication will really be tested but I think we can do it.

Living With My Parents
I haven't lived at home and I keep wondering how this will fare. Generally we have a good relationship and we always have, but my mom is OCD when it comes to cleaning. I will have to sit my parents down and tell them that school will be my #1 priority and that I'm not there to clean, cook, do laundry, or be a taxi driver for my siblings. My brother's high school is down the street from my school so we'll probably be carpooling.

Getting Adjusted to New (Old) City
I haven't lived at home since high school so it's going to take some getting used to. Sometimes my parents treat me as though I'm ignorant and like a child, because they are so used to treating my siblings like that. They like to be in control and they like to voice their opinions. I'm hoping that everything will go well and the transition will be easy.

Future Job
Just like my last job, I'm feeling too attached to my current job. I will really miss wearing jeans, going to the gym at lunch, taking long lunches, having a flexible schedule, chill bosses, and access to lots of resources and connections across the US. I have enjoyed working with so many different personalities, but there has also been a lot of slow and boring times too. It's bittersweet, but I'm sure there will be another job that I will like later. As one door closes, another opens.

Competition
I'm worried about doing well once I start school. Every class is graded on a curve, so you are essentially competing with your classmates. Only a limited number of As and Bs can be given out in each class, so it makes it really difficult to get an above average GPA. I'm hoping that since I won't be working, I'll be able to get good grades. I'd really like to put "cum laude" on my resume. Would be pretty sweet right?

I'm also really excited so I'm trying to focus on the good things. I am really for certain that I won't regret my choice. Some funny stuff - I checked out the gym facility at the school and they have fitness classes! I'll still get to get my #PFworkout on with you guys, so that will be a huge benefit (if I even have time to make it to the gym)...I really hope I can still make time to go often. It's such a huge stress-reliever so I'm glad that there's a nice gym there.


Hope you are all enjoying your weekend so far!

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